Never Part of the Picture . . .

The second night of our "Free" journey group focused on the statement of belief we have about ourselves, a statement that resonates with us the most.

What I wrote in my little orange free journal is this: I believe that I am not worth being part of relationships.

It's a lie I've believed about myself for a really long time now. It haunted me in high school. It dictated the four years I spent at WKU. And each year following college graduation I've bought into this lie that I'm an unlovable reject. It's what I expected, anticipated, even embraced.

This photo represents how I've always felt --- that I'm not quite part of the picture. Jay and I have this inside joke each time we travel somewhere. We take pictures as Jay's long arm holds the camera away from us. Inevitably I'm the one left out of the photograph -- which is ok with me. We literally have pictures of ourselves all over the United States in front of famous locations half in / half out of the frame.

And so it has been with me for the majority of my life. Never smart enough. Never athletic enough. Never popular enough. Never pretty enough. Never skinny enough. Never friendly enough. Never outgoing enough.

Never this, never that.

What I did possess was a blanket of insecurity. And I clung to it as if my name were Linus, while most who encountered me thought I was Lucy. This, according to my little orange journal, is not freedom.

One of the activities tonight resulted in encouragement given from another group member:

I encourage you to accept praise because you are worthy and this is spoken in truth. I have only gotten to get to know you recently, but I see many good qualities. I hope you will accept this praise and encouragement.

This is freedom. And I freely accept it.